New Democratic Plan BRIDGES Evictions
In light of the wave of evictions coming due to COVID-19, and knowing that the current proposal to fund lawyers to fight those evictions 1 will surely leave between thousands and millions homeless, top Democrats plan to draft another stop gap measure to literally bridge two problems at once. The aptly named Benignly Retrofitting Infrastructure under Degradation and Giving Evictees Shelter, or BRIDGES Act, will provide help to people evicted during the COVID-19 pandemic while simultaneously repairing America’s crumbling infrastructure.
“The proposal will provide funding to repair hundreds of bridges across the United States at this critical time when they will also be needed for alternative housing arrangements,” extolled Sen Chuck Shumer (D-NY). “I just don’t understand these Republicans,” said Sen Shumer. “We already refuse to fight for any meaningful reform or policies that would make a substantial difference to the American people, and yet leader McConnell still won’t negotiate with us, so we’re offering this in the spirit of bipartisan compromise.”
“Among the critical infrastructure repairs to American bridges,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said, “the BRIDGES Act will also provide funding to renovate the underside of those bridges to function as alternative housing for families evicted during this COVID-19 crisis.”
“One of the special features I personally inserted into the bill was a provision for contractors to renovate underneath the bridges. Most concrete under bridges is poured on a slope, but this provision mandates 2 areas of flat concrete to allow for the storage of a 42 inch refrigerators, just like the twin Sub Zero models I use to store gourmet ice cream in my kitchen. This will allow families a place to store their ice cream during these difficult times. It’s really a win-win situation for American families,” she said while placing her hand on her over-sized clutching-pearl necklace. “Honestly, short of publicly fighting and showing America how truly depraved Republicans are, this is the best we can hope for,” she added with Sen Shumer nodding glumly in agreement.
“Given the state of disrepair in American infrastructure 2, this should be an easy bill for the Republicans to come to agreement on,” said Sen Shumer, adding that “the results of this bill may even be enough to bring America’s infrastructure score up to a C- from the American Society of Civil Engineers. I have heard from one of my colleagues across the aisle that there may be some Republican support if we insert a measure to rename the renovated bridges after Mr. Trump in big, gold letters.”
We reached out to several Republicans for comment. Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) spokesman said he would consider voting for the measure if it also renamed the Edmund Pettus bridge in Selma, Alabama in Mr. Trump’s honor. Though the bridge is not considered sufficiently degraded to need repair, the spokesperson said, since Mr. Trump is better known and better represents the modern conservative movement then his name should be connected to the historic events that took place there.
1 Yes, this is satire, but we still provide citations as we are satirizing real life.