Free Market Fundamentalists
Foregoing Fornication
Favoring Self-Flagellation Instead
By:
Jeramee Sikorski
Doctors
warn of a newly discovered mental malady that is gripping members of
a distinct population as tightly as the afflicted grip themselves.
This illness accompanies rigid, fundamentalist thinking and
self-pleasuring. Doctors warn that the disease makes certain groups
especially vulnerable.
This
new mental illness is not a brand new illness, but rather sub-type
illness that results in
two other commonly
known illnesses, obsessive-compulsive disorder and Tourette’s
syndrome, occurring
together under certain conditions. Obsessive-compulsive disorder
occurs when a
person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions)
and behaviors (compulsions)
that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and overi.
Tourette’s
syndrome (TS) is a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive,
stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations called ticsii. The
two disorders are commonly found together, but,
in these recent cases, they appear to be the consequence of coupling
extremist thoughts and self-flagellation. While many TS sufferers consider the vocalizations embarrassing, one new group seems to revel in them.
“It’s
quite sad,” said Dr. Mollifidor, a doctor and emerging mental
health trend specialist at Bellevue Hospital. “We see otherwise
healthy, though often obnoxious, young men literally pulling
themselves into a state of psychosis with these behaviors.” “They
couple masturbation with extremist thoughts, like ‘selfishness is a
virtue!’” the Dr. explained, “and it is literally making them
psychotic.” “I even saw one of the patients a couple of months
before his ultimate admission here,” he continued, “but this
illness is so new that even I didn’t recognize it. I merely
thought the patient was an obnoxious, overgrown child who kept
ranting about how ‘my body is my property and I can dispose of it
how I choose.’”
Analogy
of the Disease’s Origin
A
team of doctors are now working to
understand
this new disorder. Dr.
Burrhus, a
member of this specialist team,
then went on to explain, theoretically, how this new illness, dubbed
Randian Psychosis, seems to occur.
“Every
time we use a certain set of neural pathways, we embed them deeper.
It is similar to the trails that cows make in the pasture back home
on the farm. Every nerve impulse that follows a certain neural
pathway strengthens that pathway and deepens it. Just like a cow, or
a person, can walk on the grass without damaging the lawn, but
repeatedly walking the same path will wear the grass out. New grass
cannot grow as the soil becomes hard-packed and ridgid.
“In the brain, this process makes that particular pathway the dominant pathway of similar types of thoughts, but overuse of only a few thought-pathways cause them to become incapable of branching out to other areas of the brain. Just like the grass is killed off, this prevents new nerve branches from growing and connecting with other areas of the brain. The result is not only a loss of creative thinking, but also of critical reasoning since every situation is shunted into one of only a few possible thought-outcome-patterns.
“In the brain, this process makes that particular pathway the dominant pathway of similar types of thoughts, but overuse of only a few thought-pathways cause them to become incapable of branching out to other areas of the brain. Just like the grass is killed off, this prevents new nerve branches from growing and connecting with other areas of the brain. The result is not only a loss of creative thinking, but also of critical reasoning since every situation is shunted into one of only a few possible thought-outcome-patterns.
“Let’s
say a cow wants a drink of water, and they have two trails to the
creek to choose from. The choice of trails could be random, but the
reinforcement they get from the drink at the end of the trail makes
them more likely to choose that path the next time. If they are
extremely thirsty, then the reinforcement effect is amplified, and
they are even more likely to choose that trail the next time.
“Certain circumstances can make experiences more strongly reinforced for humans as well. In these new cases of psychosis, it appears to be orgasm, but, as all the patients have experienced significant decline in social skills as the disease progresses, that orgasm is always self-induced.
“Certain circumstances can make experiences more strongly reinforced for humans as well. In these new cases of psychosis, it appears to be orgasm, but, as all the patients have experienced significant decline in social skills as the disease progresses, that orgasm is always self-induced.
“Orgasm
creates not just a strong emotional experience of pleasure, but also
more powerfully embeds those thoughts we are having at the moment of
orgasm. Climax occurring while repeating extremist ideology, such
as ‘government is a Ponzi scheme’ or ‘I don’t consent to the
government by my rights under the UCC,’ amplifies the effect of
those phrases on the brain. As a result, these behaviors not only
increase in frequency and intensity, but the patient also loses the
ability to discern when those behaviors are appropriate.
“It’s
as though the patients are literally beating their brains until the
brain gets sick.
“So
far, all the patients presenting with this new psychosis have been
devotees of the fiction writer Ayn Rand. Thus, we have named this
disorder Randian psychosis.”
A
Peculiar Case Study
Dr.
Frederic, another of the specialists working on this new illness
elaborated on its effects in one case.
“Repeated
trampling of several similar thought patterns can fundamentally
impinge on a patient’s ability to have any logical thoughts or
coherent conversation on an entire area of thought,” said
Dr. Frederic.
“The latest patient was brought
in after being fired from his third job in 4 weeks.
“Apparently,
his work ethic was
acceptable, but he has caused many complaints from co-workers due to
his inability to control the compulsive
uttering his obsessive thoughts,”
said Dr. Frederic, “such
as, ‘taxation is slavery!’
His supervisor reported that he kept repeating 'taxation
is theft’ when he got his
paycheck. The scene apparently
escalated when the supervisor tried to redirect him. After a
few minutes, the supervisor had to call the police who had EMS take
him to the emergency room where he was sedated and transferred to
us.”
Physical
Manifestations
Dr.
Skinner, who is a neural-psychiatric specialist, then elaborated on
the physical effects they have observed at Bellevue.
“The
effects on the brain, as shown by functional MRI (fMRI), which shows
the brain’s activity in real time, are quite startling. These
thought patterns correspond to specific neural pathways which we can
see light up when patient’s utter, or even hear, phrases like ‘a
patriot must always be ready to defend his freedom!’
“Repeating
phrases like ‘taxation is slavery!’ while climaxing shows these
paths become physically larger in real time. Over time, these
pathways become so heavily trafficked that other pathways are choked
off. This means that the patient’s ability to even entertain
non-extremist thoughts is impinged. The neural pathways become
thick, and we have actually measured their thickness at 0.5 mm, which
is several times the thickness of a human hair.”
“One
important thing to note is the order in which the maladies occur. It
does happen, occasionally, that a person will suffer from two
maladies together. For example, OCD and TS often occur together.
Either disorder can then cause another disorder to appear. For
example, either OCD or TS symptoms are stressful for sufferers and
this can then, in turn, cause depressive illness. The depressive
illness is diagnosed by certain types of behaviors that are either
observed or reported by the patient.”
“In
Randian psychosis, it’s like the chicken and the egg have switched
places. It is the behavior of masturbation, coupled with the
fundamentalist statements, like ‘who’s
you’re John Galt?’ that then cause the OCD and TS symptoms.
While it’s terribly sad to
observe the patients engage in literal self-harm,
it is also a fascinating
demonstration of neuroplasticity.”
Everyday
Explanations
One
problem that is already coming up for the Dr.’s is how to describe
this malady. Is it hare-brained or hair-brained? Dr. Anna Yoder, one
of the team members, elaborated for us:
“We
initially coined it as being hair-brained based on our fMRI research
and the measurements of neural pathway thicknesses. However, as a
functional matter, ‘hare-brained’ – the tendency to jump to
wild and unsupported conclusions, certainly fits as well. I imagine
that both terms will come to be used interchangeably between the
behavioral and psychiatric communities.
“It’s
sad to see now these patients’ self-flagellation is whipping them
into a frenzy, and into the behavioral health [psychiatric] unit here
at Bellevue.”
One Prescription – A Bitter Pill
Dr.
Malottian is taking a radical stance on the disorder. In his
practice, he has seen patients that exhibit sexual frustration
because “they see themselves as the pure John Galts1
who cannot get the prized Dagny Taggart in their beds.” “They
spend hours claiming that ‘I own my time, and taxes take a portion
of what I spent time earning, thus taxes are a death sentence,’
instead of actually improving their social skills and meeting
people.”
“They
also ignore the fact that Dagny passed herself around like a dish of
candy as she slept her way from one business tycoon to the next, but
I digress,” retorted the doctor. “Honestly,” admitted the
doctor, “it get’s old real quick.” “It’s not Dr. Lecter
sweetbreads annoying, but it’s close,” he said under his breath.
For
patients in the early onset phases, Dr. Malottian also advises
hacking into their laptops and loading massive amounts of auto-play
pornography in the hopes that they will be too busy to think
fundamentalist thoughts. “It’s not an ideal outcome, but, if we
can overload them with some of the sexual gratification they lack,
then we might be able to avert the Randian thoughts, which lead to
psychosis, long enough for them to get treatment.” He cautions,
“If the psychosis isn’t interrupted early, then there is no known
treatment short of going back to experiments with electro-shock (ECT)
therapy, or maybe even a lobotomy,” adding, “It’s not a good
outcome; it’s just much better than putting up with their psychotic
babble all day long.” To prevent the full onset of Randian
psychosis, the specialist team recommends immediate psychiatric
treatment if more than a few of the typical Randian behaviors are
observed.
Symptoms
Some
behavioral effects of Randian psychosis are the inability to speak in
anything other than extremist tropes; the inability to see the world
in shades of gray; willful blindness to the plight of others,
including blacks, gays, transgenders, and immigrants; inordinate
inconsideration of others (usually displayed as self-centered
arrogance); blatant selfishness; overinflated sense of self
accomplishment and importance; repeatedly uttering extremist
ideological phrases, often in socially inappropriate settings;
becoming extremely angry, possibly violent, at the slightest
criticism; and inward withdrawal indicative of depression. If your
loved one suffers from more than a few of these symptoms, it is
possible that he is in the early stages of the disease. If he gets
prompt treatment, then it is believed that the disease can be halted
before he masturbates himself into the full blown Tourette’s-OCD
disorders that become Randian psychosis.
Controversy
Dr.
Joe Zanga, founder of the American College of Pediatricians,
disagrees. “It’s only a different worldview based on the history
and tradition of our fathers,” he said. “While I don’t condone
masturbation in any context, we can cure these patients with simple
the simple conversion therapy that our member doctors pioneered
decades ago,” he claimed. “Our successful therapy has taught
patients to ‘convert’ their unpleasant thoughts to healthy
thoughts with biblical-based teachings and prayer.”
So,
it seems that this newly discovered illness has already begun
creating controversy. The Diogenetic Light will keep you updated on
any reports or advancements that are made in treating this unsettling
new malady. In the meantime, please warn others of this affliction by clicking "share," below!
1Galt
is the hero business tycoon from Atlas Shrugged, who proves
his business acumen by bedding the ‘heroine’ of the story,
Dagny.
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