Friday, June 3, 2016

Free Market Fundamentalists Foregoing Fornication

Free Market Fundamentalists 
Foregoing Fornication

Favoring Self-Flagellation Instead

June 2, 2016
By: Jeramee Sikorski

          Doctors warn of a newly discovered mental malady that is gripping members of a distinct population as tightly as the afflicted grip themselves. This illness accompanies rigid, fundamentalist thinking and self-pleasuring. Doctors warn that the disease makes certain groups especially vulnerable.

          This new mental illness is not a brand new illness, but rather sub-type illness that results in two other commonly known illnesses, obsessive-compulsive disorder and Tourette’s syndrome, occurring together under certain conditions. Obsessive-compulsive disorder occurs when a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and overi. Tourette’s syndrome (TS) is a neurological disorder characterized by repetitive, stereotyped, involuntary movements and vocalizations called ticsii.    The two disorders are commonly found together, but, in these recent cases, they appear to be the consequence of coupling extremist thoughts and self-flagellation.   While many TS sufferers consider the vocalizations embarrassing, one new group seems to revel in them.

          It’s quite sad,” said Dr. Mollifidor, a doctor and emerging mental health trend specialist at Bellevue Hospital. “We see otherwise healthy, though often obnoxious, young men literally pulling themselves into a state of psychosis with these behaviors.” “They couple masturbation with extremist thoughts, like ‘selfishness is a virtue!’” the Dr. explained, “and it is literally making them psychotic.” “I even saw one of the patients a couple of months before his ultimate admission here,” he continued, “but this illness is so new that even I didn’t recognize it. I merely thought the patient was an obnoxious, overgrown child who kept ranting about how ‘my body is my property and I can dispose of it how I choose.’”
Analogy of the Disease’s Origin

          A team of doctors are now working to understand this new disorder. Dr. Burrhus, a member of this specialist team, then went on to explain, theoretically, how this new illness, dubbed Randian Psychosis, seems to occur.

Every time we use a certain set of neural pathways, we embed them deeper. It is similar to the trails that cows make in the pasture back home on the farm. Every nerve impulse that follows a certain neural pathway strengthens that pathway and deepens it. Just like a cow, or a person, can walk on the grass without damaging the lawn, but repeatedly walking the same path will wear the grass out. New grass cannot grow as the soil becomes hard-packed and ridgid.

“In the brain, this process makes that particular pathway the dominant pathway of similar types of thoughts, but overuse of only a few thought-pathways cause them to become incapable of branching out to other areas of the brain. Just like the grass is killed off, this prevents new nerve branches from growing and connecting with other areas of the brain. The result is not only a loss of creative thinking, but also of critical reasoning since every situation is shunted into one of only a few possible thought-outcome-patterns.

Let’s say a cow wants a drink of water, and they have two trails to the creek to choose from. The choice of trails could be random, but the reinforcement they get from the drink at the end of the trail makes them more likely to choose that path the next time. If they are extremely thirsty, then the reinforcement effect is amplified, and they are even more likely to choose that trail the next time.

“Certain circumstances can make experiences more strongly reinforced for humans as well. In these new cases of psychosis, it appears to be orgasm, but, as all the patients have experienced significant decline in social skills as the disease progresses, that orgasm is always self-induced.

Orgasm creates not just a strong emotional experience of pleasure, but also more powerfully embeds those thoughts we are having at the moment of orgasm. Climax occurring while repeating extremist ideology, such as ‘government is a Ponzi scheme’ or ‘I don’t consent to the government by my rights under the UCC,’ amplifies the effect of those phrases on the brain. As a result, these behaviors not only increase in frequency and intensity, but the patient also loses the ability to discern when those behaviors are appropriate.

It’s as though the patients are literally beating their brains until the brain gets sick.

So far, all the patients presenting with this new psychosis have been devotees of the fiction writer Ayn Rand. Thus, we have named this disorder Randian psychosis.”

A Peculiar Case Study

          Dr. Frederic, another of the specialists working on this new illness elaborated on its effects in one case.

Repeated trampling of several similar thought patterns can fundamentally impinge on a patient’s ability to have any logical thoughts or coherent conversation on an entire area of thought,” said Dr. Frederic. “The latest patient was brought in after being fired from his third job in 4 weeks.

Apparently, his work ethic was acceptable, but he has caused many complaints from co-workers due to his inability to control the compulsive uttering his obsessive thoughts,” said Dr. Frederic, “such as, ‘taxation is slavery!’ His supervisor reported that he kept repeating 'taxation is theft’ when he got his paycheck. The scene apparently escalated when the supervisor tried to redirect him. After a few minutes, the supervisor had to call the police who had EMS take him to the emergency room where he was sedated and transferred to us.”

Physical Manifestations

          Dr. Skinner, who is a neural-psychiatric specialist, then elaborated on the physical effects they have observed at Bellevue.

The effects on the brain, as shown by functional MRI (fMRI), which shows the brain’s activity in real time, are quite startling. These thought patterns correspond to specific neural pathways which we can see light up when patient’s utter, or even hear, phrases like ‘a patriot must always be ready to defend his freedom!’

Repeating phrases like ‘taxation is slavery!’ while climaxing shows these paths become physically larger in real time. Over time, these pathways become so heavily trafficked that other pathways are choked off. This means that the patient’s ability to even entertain non-extremist thoughts is impinged. The neural pathways become thick, and we have actually measured their thickness at 0.5 mm, which is several times the thickness of a human hair.”

One important thing to note is the order in which the maladies occur. It does happen, occasionally, that a person will suffer from two maladies together. For example, OCD and TS often occur together. Either disorder can then cause another disorder to appear. For example, either OCD or TS symptoms are stressful for sufferers and this can then, in turn, cause depressive illness. The depressive illness is diagnosed by certain types of behaviors that are either observed or reported by the patient.”

In Randian psychosis, it’s like the chicken and the egg have switched places. It is the behavior of masturbation, coupled with the fundamentalist statements, like ‘who’s you’re John Galt?’ that then cause the OCD and TS symptoms. While it’s terribly sad to observe the patients engage in literal self-harm, it is also a fascinating demonstration of neuroplasticity.”

Everyday Explanations

          One problem that is already coming up for the Dr.’s is how to describe this malady. Is it hare-brained or hair-brained? Dr. Anna Yoder, one of the team members, elaborated for us:

We initially coined it as being hair-brained based on our fMRI research and the measurements of neural pathway thicknesses. However, as a functional matter, ‘hare-brained’ – the tendency to jump to wild and unsupported conclusions, certainly fits as well. I imagine that both terms will come to be used interchangeably between the behavioral and psychiatric communities.

It’s sad to see now these patients’ self-flagellation is whipping them into a frenzy, and into the behavioral health [psychiatric] unit here at Bellevue.”

One Prescription – A Bitter Pill
          Dr. Malottian is taking a radical stance on the disorder. In his practice, he has seen patients that exhibit sexual frustration because “they see themselves as the pure John Galts1 who cannot get the prized Dagny Taggart in their beds.” “They spend hours claiming that ‘I own my time, and taxes take a portion of what I spent time earning, thus taxes are a death sentence,’ instead of actually improving their social skills and meeting people.”

They also ignore the fact that Dagny passed herself around like a dish of candy as she slept her way from one business tycoon to the next, but I digress,” retorted the doctor. “Honestly,” admitted the doctor, “it get’s old real quick.” “It’s not Dr. Lecter sweetbreads annoying, but it’s close,” he said under his breath.

For patients in the early onset phases, Dr. Malottian also advises hacking into their laptops and loading massive amounts of auto-play pornography in the hopes that they will be too busy to think fundamentalist thoughts. “It’s not an ideal outcome, but, if we can overload them with some of the sexual gratification they lack, then we might be able to avert the Randian thoughts, which lead to psychosis, long enough for them to get treatment.” He cautions, “If the psychosis isn’t interrupted early, then there is no known treatment short of going back to experiments with electro-shock (ECT) therapy, or maybe even a lobotomy,” adding, “It’s not a good outcome; it’s just much better than putting up with their psychotic babble all day long.” To prevent the full onset of Randian psychosis, the specialist team recommends immediate psychiatric treatment if more than a few of the typical Randian behaviors are observed.


          Some behavioral effects of Randian psychosis are the inability to speak in anything other than extremist tropes; the inability to see the world in shades of gray; willful blindness to the plight of others, including blacks, gays, transgenders, and immigrants; inordinate inconsideration of others (usually displayed as self-centered arrogance); blatant selfishness; overinflated sense of self accomplishment and importance; repeatedly uttering extremist ideological phrases, often in socially inappropriate settings; becoming extremely angry, possibly violent, at the slightest criticism; and inward withdrawal indicative of depression. If your loved one suffers from more than a few of these symptoms, it is possible that he is in the early stages of the disease. If he gets prompt treatment, then it is believed that the disease can be halted before he masturbates himself into the full blown Tourette’s-OCD disorders that become Randian psychosis.

          Dr. Joe Zanga, founder of the American College of Pediatricians, disagrees. “It’s only a different worldview based on the history and tradition of our fathers,” he said. “While I don’t condone masturbation in any context, we can cure these patients with simple the simple conversion therapy that our member doctors pioneered decades ago,” he claimed. “Our successful therapy has taught patients to ‘convert’ their unpleasant thoughts to healthy thoughts with biblical-based teachings and prayer.”

          So, it seems that this newly discovered illness has already begun creating controversy. The Diogenetic Light will keep you updated on any reports or advancements that are made in treating this unsettling new malady.  In the meantime, please warn others of this affliction by clicking "share," below!

1Galt is the hero business tycoon from Atlas Shrugged, who proves his business acumen by bedding the ‘heroine’ of the story, Dagny.

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