Wednesday, April 20, 2016, Fairfax, VA
By: William Bruce and Jeramee Sikorski, Ed. Jeramee Sikorski
Sarah and Bristol Palin, along with Anne Coulter, will be lecturing professors teaching women’s law. The Antonin Scalia School of Law in Virginia has contracted them as professors for the new master’s program in women’s law. The school says that the trio of professors will “highlight and mentor a woman’s place in our traditional legal field.”
In an attempt to reach out to an increasingly diverse base of students, the newly named Antonin Scalia School of Law (ASSLaw or ASSoLi) at George Mason University will offer a new post-doctoral degree this fall. Students will be able to earn a Matron Recognitio Statum, (MRS), post-doctoral master’s degree in women’s law through the program. Coulter and the mother-daughter duo of Sarah and Bristol Palin will be the original professors in this Originalist program. ASSLaw is “excited to offer this new post-doctoral program for recent, especially female, graduates. It focuses on the necessary and proper societal roles for institutions, such as legislatures and marriage, and the roles of men and young ladies before the law.
George Mason has been alluring prospective conservative students for some time now. When ASSLaw changed its name in honor of Scalia, it became even more enticing. The phalanx of women's law program graduates is intended to be the head of the school's major thrust to become a patriarch of conservative thought. This will be highlighted by the way all the professors pay special attention to the history, traditions, and worldviews of our society’s moral legislation. The ASSoL faculty is sure that this program would put a sparkle in Scalia’s brown eyes,” the school announced in a carefully prepared zinger of a statement.
The focus of the MRS program will be ensuring that young women entering the legal field today have the necessary skills for success. It is either a one or two year program, depending on the student’s domestic and other demands, with 3 trimesters of classes offered every year. As Professor Sarah said, “we teach what you need to know to be successful with an MRS degree. If you want to be a successful woman in a man’s world, then you really need to know everything you can about what we teach at ASSLaw.”
Toward that end, the seminal semester will include 3 courses: consumer contract law, consumer culinary law – an exciting blend of farm policy, consumer protection law, and freedom – and Gender Based Equities and Remedies Law. The courses will focus on practical aspects of each area of law. It will teach morals and avoid theory because, as a conservative lawyer, one must, as Scalia famously said, “[h]ave the courage to have your wisdom regarded as stupidity.”ii
The consumer contract law course will be taught by celebrity guest lecturer Anne Coulter. “It will cover typical consumer issues that our lady ASSoL graduates will come across in their lives and those of other potential clients they would meet at the PTA and other events,” said Coulter. It includes issues such as whether they have to pay shipping to return that thigh master, and how the UCC can be used at school board meetings.” We expect it to be a very useful course for ASSLaw graduates.
“We will even have a whole section on the Uniform Commercial Code and prenuptial contracts,” said Professor Coulter. “Some people claim that the UCC expressly covers only the sale of goods, like shoes and purses, and negotiable instruments, like checks and money orders,” she continued. “This is a fascinating new area of law,” noted Coulter, “and that is why it’s so important that the courts respect different worldviews and the history and traditions of our society. We even have valid law that we can cite to the courts such as 27 Lev 3 – 8 1,iii. This old law actually gives a pricing structure that can be used for valuation of marriage contracts, and it also includes a market price valuation adjustment2 clause3. We have copies dating to the Revolution, so we know the founders would have used this law!”
Professor Sarah Palin will teach a topical seminar series on different aspects of law related to food law, and, with a nod to multidisciplinary education, will include a complimentary recipe and cooking demonstration at the end of every class. While the syllabus isn’t finalized yet, we were leaked the first two week’s topic titles. Week one will focus on farm policy with a seminar titled “No Free Lunch: Constitutional Harm to the Bundy Ranch by Obama’s Overreach. Recipe: Alaskan Word Salad al Fresco, with a light drizzle of Hurr de Durr Dressing, then tossed lightly in whitewash sauce and black double entendres.” The next class will tackle advertising, fraud, and consumer’s right to know. Professor Sarah takes a critical stance when she asks “can you show me one instance where John Adams demanded that markets put up a sign thingy telling customers whether their Alaskan cod was from Maine or Texas?” The second week’s lecture topic is “Just Label It Big Government: GMO Labeling and Government Waste” which will be accompanied with “USDA Grade A” “Black Angus” “Beef” Stroganoff and paired with California “Champagne.” (Scare quotes are from the syllabus.) “It promises to be an essential foundation to career success for our MRS graduates,” Palin noted with her trademark wink and nod.
Bristol, the junior Professor Palin, will teach Gender Based Equities and Remedies. “Equities and Remedies class covers what parties can get from a lawsuit,” said Professor Bristol. “That is, besides headaches and frustration,” she added with a chuckle. Topics covered will include specific performance for promised marital acts; enforceability of marital promises if the promise was made while under the influence or verbally; and legal advantages of modern coverture, which is the legal doctrine that gives all marital property rights to the husband.
We will also spend some time this trimester looking at the birth control debate and answering questions like “What is the right remedy for unmarried women who want birth control without either a doctor’s, husband’s, or parent’s prescription?” the new professor asked rhetorically, adding with another trademark chuckle “other than giving her a bottle of aspirin?” The course will focus a lot on the history and tradition of women’s legal rights, but will also look at some new conservative ideas in the area contraceptive remedies, including the cold shower theory and aspirin-between-the-knees theory. Bruce Bigelow, president of the school’s Tea Party Law Society is also working on a paper with the new professor advocating the aspirin-between-the-knees contraceptive approach to the law. “If contraception or avoiding pregnancy is your concern, then the ASSoL is really where you want to be.” The school initially thought this would be a good course for the third trimester of the graduate program, but the junior professor thought it should come earlier in the degree program, saying “I know how busy you can get in the third trimester.”
Readers of the Diogenetic Light may be familiar with Bruce’s father, Ray Bigelow, the TeaParty leader from Paducaville, NC. Ray Bigelow recently introduced anti-trans-species predator legislation in North Carolina to strengthen the State’s controversial new bathroom ordinance. That bill has also recently been taken up by the New Jersey State legislature. Bigelow recently announced that he is seeking election to North Carolina’s State legislature this fall.
Professors Bristol and Coulter are rumored to also be doing legal research together on an overlapping question of law: If old law, like 21 Ex 2 – 44, can show that marriage contracts were originally intended to be considered a standard commercial contract back in the founder’s day, then does the Uniform Commercial Code apply to defenses against prenuptial contracts? We all know that children under 18 aren’t allowed to get credit cards under the law, but what about signing a marriage contract? Where are the UCC protections for that? “We really think this could be a game-changer in the legal field,” said Professor Bristol “to establish an area of personal sovereignty.5” We have also reached out to Rex Dicta, a leading theorist on the UCC and sovereign citizen movement, to team up on this research. It’s like the school’s motto: “If you want to make a name for yourself as a conservative thinker, you must start by putting your head in the ASSoL.”
Professor Bristol will not just lie back in this easy new position, however. Her fertile mind has already spawned a new species of speculation that is sure to breed much more conservative intellectual intercourse than has been seen lately. She will introduce a new Intelligent Creation doctrine to the public sphere. "This is a consort to Intelligent Design (ID) theory," she said. "This theory, which is a direct corollary to ID theory, claims that conception is not always due to marital relations, but that pregnancy may also be intelligently created by an intelligent designer.”
“We just want to make sure that both sides of the controversy are taught,” remarked Palin while defending her new theory and echoing her mother’s support for teaching ID in the classroom. “I’m tired of the constant persecution,” she said. It’s like my mom said, “’the man can only ride you when your back is bent, which I know.” “’So strengthen it!’” she continued quoting, “’Then the man can't ride you, America won't get taken for a ride, because so much is at stake.’”6,iv
Mr. Lipton also commented that the senior professor Palin “looks just like that Gina Fey lady from that Saturday Night show my dad watches in the basement," he said. “It would be cool to have her as a teacher.”
"You mean 'Tina Fey?'" we asked.
"No, my mom always calls her Gina Fey or Jaina Fey," he replied. "Mom doesn't like Gina Fey because she says that she makes fun of a model of a godly, Christian woman," he continued, "but my dad sneaks down in the basement to laugh and watch her anyway. I guess we all need a release from the stress that builds up over time."
“That’s exactly what we are aiming for in the ASSoL,” commented the elder Palin. “We want it to be the cool place for kids to spend their Saturday nights when they need a release from the pressures of pounding the books.”
Thank you for taking the time to read this installment of the Diogenetic Light. If you've enjoyed reading about how the ASSoL contracted the Palins, then please consider giving the other gift that keeps on giving -- humor. Only you can spread this article and make it go viral. Let's not limit the spread of this conservative story to the ASSoL alone!
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