Tuesday, July 3, 2018

NRA Solves Refugee Crisis with S.H.I.T.E. Program

Politics>Satire>News from the Future
For Immediate Release
NRA Solves Refugee Crisis with S.H.I.T.E. Program

Author: Jeramee Sikorski
Editor: Lisa Frank
Date: Tomorrow1

At a press conference tomorrow morning, retired marine lieutenant colonel and incoming NRA president Oliver North will have announced the NRA’s new policy to end the southern border refugee crisis. The program will feature both freedom-inspired market and patriotic solutions.

North: Thank you. As you know, we in the NRA, like all Americans, are disheartened by the tragedy taking place on the Mexican border. But we are men of action! The NRA board of directors has approved our new border solution program called the Strategic Homeland Initiative for Terror Eradication, or S.H.I.T.E* for short.

(*Editors note: not to be confused with “shite,” the British expletive for poo. That’s just a coincidence.)

Building on the success of our School i Shield ii program and the many, many schools 2 we have assisted in defending against school shooters, iii we have designed a new program that empowers 2d amendment freedoms.  Firearms manufacturers and retailers have teamed up with the NRA to offer amazing discounts on S.H.I.T.E. tools, including many handguns, sporting rifles, ammunition, and accessories.

Stock up on all the gear you need to help refugees!

We know Americans are patriotic. When they see the threat on our southern border, they will rise up and yell “Oh SHITE!” just like our patriot ancestors did in their colonial accents when they saw the redcoats marching. Then they will sound the alarm that they are coming to all who will listen, just like Paul Revere did. As the Constitution imagined, these patriots will run to get armed and meet as a militia to defend our national borders with plenty of SHITE merchandise.

Because it isn’t enough to merely fill your shopping carts with a bunch of SHITE merchandise, we are including an added bonus of SHITE to put in your head: Every purchase of select high-velocity rifles will also come with my new book “SHITE Happens: Dispensing Targeted Care to Protect America.” It gives helpful advice on how to share the good news of tough-love patriotism to help repatriate these refugees right at the border.

This is today’s clarion call from a modern Paul Revere that sends the chills of fear down our spines: People feel threatened and under attack! We must defend the border!

Autographed copies available from the NRA for a mere $10,000 donation.
(Congressmen aren't cheap to buy)

Reporter: Mr. North, does this plan envision armed vigilantes patrolling the southern border?
North: No, that’s not it at all. This is a call for all patriots to come to the humanitarian aid of our citizens on the border who feel threatened. We are one America. It doesn’t matter if you live near the Texas border with Mexico, the Minnesota border with Canada, or in the middle of all the borders in your state: we should all feel threatened here.

Reporter: If it’s a humanitarian mission, why do the responders need to be armed with high-velocity rifles?
North: Our prior NRA president famously said that “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” That is true. You can take it on faith because I said it. Following our faith, we can, therefore, conclude that the only thing that will stop a refugee running from gang members with guns are patriots with guns.

Reporter: Does the announcement of this plan have anything to do with the Trump company discussing land deals on the southern border? 3
North: Not that I know of or can recall. The Trumps are fans of hunting. With so many expected patriots expected to come to the southern border, they may be developing hunting lodges that can double as operational bases for these patriotic humanitarians.
Reporter: Mr. North, How good is your recollection?
North: I have a mind like a steel-bladed paper shredder – sharp and able to shred an entire stack of papers once!

Reporter: How do high-velocity rifles help you spread humanitarian aid?
North: Look, what you need to understand is that, and I don’t mean to be glib here, but we must protect innocent citizens from being terrorized like this lady who was forced to crouch behind a stone stairway for safety. (North unveils a picture, shown below, of a traumatized, fearful citizen.) We apparently know where she is from because someone doxxed her. Now, we should all be appalled at this kind of terrorism. In my time in the US government, I learned that you should not share documents, and you need to shred and destroy them too. Look at how threatened this lady is!

This poor, frightened, and constipated woman!

Reporter: Are these proposed Trump properties going to be hunting lodges or humanitarian shelters?
North: Well, as I learned in my Top Secret Classified work for the government, sometimes one program can be multiple things at once. Kind of like how one country’s weapon sales account can be another country’s contra-freedom fighters’ slush fund. The SHITE program is another neat idea iv. I know that many of our NRA members are trophy hunters, and may also like to schedule a few hours hunting while they are out there. The border area is said to be lush with the ultimate and most thrilling game available for trophy hunters v.

We need to learn from history and extend the clenched fist of patriotism to those refugees. That’s another neat idea these people from places like El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras, vi could learn from America: you can solve any problem with guns if you put your mind to it.

Thank you. That’s all we have time for today. Check your local sporting goods circular for more details, or check the NRA website. Thank you very much.


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1 We expect this press conference to occur tomorrow, but the future is hard to predict. Keep your eyes open for an NRA SHITE sale coming soon to a gun store near you!
2 3 schools in total, to be exact, per Mother Jones, cite below.
3 No, this is not actually happening. Yet.
4 Thank you to the Trump administration for your inspiration.  If you can draft the Fair And Reciprocal Trade act (FART Act), then I guess it's alright for me to make a few poo jokes.  (#MakeAmericaGrossAgain!)

Research Endnotes.
i Due to the author’s geographic location, he was automatically blocked from accessing the NRA website which may have more information available. Facts in this article are taken from available sources.

iii Additional source not quoted: https://ijr.com/2018/02/1069467-nra-school-shield-program/ Accessed 2 July 2018
Source was consulted to decrease bias but did not offer any additional information on grants given from School Shield.
iv “Neat idea” is how North described the illegal arms sales that he conducted in the Iran-Contra scandal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oliver_North Accessed 2 July 2018
https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4475045/neat-idea Accessed 2 July 2018

v There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. – Ernest Hemingway
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/ernest_hemingway_395443 Accessed 2 July 2018

vi During the 1980s, the three countries known as the northern triangle were blighted by vicious civil wars between US-backed military dictatorships and leftist guerrilla groups. But even after ceasefires were agreed, peace never came to the region as unresolved inequalities and amnesties which let war criminals escape justice fuelled a new wave of violence and corruption.” (emphasis added)
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/oct/13/central-america-violence-refugee-crisis-gangs-murder Accessed 2 July 2018

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