New Jersey Follows Suit with Law Banning Tran-Species-People
Trenton,
New Jersey
By
Jeramee Sikorski
Following
a strange arrest last Saturday night at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike,
New Jersey legislators are considering a bathroom bill similar to the one
recently introduced by North Carolina.
Strange 911 Calls
New
Jersey State Troopers responded to several 911 calls of a Jersey Devil sighting
in the men’s restroom. 911
operators initially dismissed the sighting of the fantastic ManBearPig, which
was first reported on by the South Park TV show, but then dispatched officers
when they heard animalistic groans come through a caller’s cell phone. “We had conflicting reports,” said one
operator, with “some saying it was ManBearPig, and others saying it was the
Jersey Devil.”
The
Jersey Devil, like ManBearPig, is a legendary creature. It is variously described as having
features of a kangaroo, a goat, a bat, and a horse; descriptions often include
clawed hands, cloven hooves and a forked tail. Legends claim that it has a
horrendous, blood-curdling scream[i].
Officers
Bar and Brady were first to respond at the scene. “When we got out of the patrol car,
there was a crowd of people standing about 50 feet from the restroom. We heard some pretty strange sounds
when we got to the front of the crowd,” Officer Bar reported.
“It
sounded like a bear and pig were having some kind of a fight in there,” Officer
Brady stated, “So, I went back to the patrol car to get our tactical gear while
officer Barr did crowd control.” “We
went in expecting to have to put down a couple rabid animals,” he continued,
“but what we actually encountered . . . I
have never seen anything like it in 16 years on the force,” who was still
clearly in shock.
Confronting the Devil
“Everyone
was amazed and couldn’t look away,” said officer Barr. “I kept saying, ‘Move along people,
there’s nothing to see here,’” he added, “but people just stood there with
their mouths wide open like a bunch of lookey-Lou’s.”
“It
looked like some kind of orange gorilla wearing suit pants was attacking a guy
who had gotten caught with his pants down,” added Brady, “but then he turned
around and things got really strange.” “I
called out, ‘Governor Christie?’” said the officer, “and he turned and snorted
like a pig back at me.” “We
still weren’t sure what we were dealing with, but I switched to my tazer at
that point,” he added, “just in case it really was the governor.”
“The
man we thought was the victim ran and locked himself into a stall as the
governor turned around,” said officer Bar, and that “At first, I thought he
sounded like a bear snarling.” “In
reality, we now know that the governor was talking in his sleep,” said the
officer, “He kept repeating ‘all you can eat’ over and over.” “After that, we were able to
de-escalate the governor,” he continued, “by promising to take him to
Denny’s.”
Unmasking the Devil
 |
| Photo of the Jersey Devil Taken by a Witness |
The
governor didn’t go to Denny’s that night, though. As soon as the officers had calmed him
down, he walked out of the restroom and went to sleep on the grass. Still unsure of what they were dealing
with, the officers began to dismantle what they said was a bizarre
outfit. As the officer’s
began to investigate, they discovered that it really was the governor, albeit
that he was wearing two separate wigs. Both
are part of the Melania Trump signature clothing line, and produced by Trump
Industries overseas in China. The
first wig was modeled to look like Melania Trump’s hair. The second hairpiece was modeled to
look like the Donald’s. It
seems that it was the second wig that really caused the confusion.
“The
blonde wig was a different color than Governor Christie’s opulent back hair,
which showed through in several places,” said Officer Brady, “and when you add
the orangutan orange Donald wig on top, it creates three starkly different hair
types, which caused citizens to think there might really be a
trans-species-person in the restroom.”
“The
governor didn’t put the Donald hairpiece on properly,” added Officer Bar,
saying that “the piece needs to be fastened close to the nape of the neck and
combed forward for the proper affect. This
one was placed on the top of the other wig, so the hair came down so low that
it covered the governor’s face, which then added even more confusion to the
situation.”
By
then, several other officers were on scene. EMS was also on scene, and the
governor was taken to a local hospital. He
was later diagnosed as having had an adverse reaction to Ambien after taking
the medicine with a few glasses of wine to help him sleep. Doctors say the stress of his failed
presidential campaign, and then being treated like a stray dog by the Donald when
he endorsed him, have been stressful for the governor. “He likely took the medication so that
he could get a good night’s sleep and wake up his old, cheery self,” said the
doctor.
The
other citizen in the restroom was later identified to be David Wildstein, the
second highest-ranking Christie political appointee at the Port Authority at
the time of the Bridgegate scandal[ii]. He pleaded guilty in
Jan. 2015 to two counts of conspiracy, and was out on bail awaiting
sentencing. He is facing 21
to 27 months in federal prison for those crimes.
Officers
arrested Wildstein on suspicion of engaging in prostitution, bribery, and “the
infamous, detestable, and abominable crime against nature” with an unconscious
person. Officers Bar and
Brady now believe that Wildstein was receiving fellatio from the unconscious
governor. “We can’t figure
out how Christie would have known to meet Wildstein at that time in some random
highway rest stop in his unconscious state,” said officer Bar, “but there’s no
doubt that the governor was completely unconscious on the lawn. Just ask any of the witnesses.”
 |
| Governor Christie during his Presidential Campaingn Note the obvious similarity to ManBearPig |
Related
Content: North Carolina’s Bigfoot Bathroom Ban
At
a press conference, Donald Rummey, a Christie aide, was later quoted as saying
that this proves New Jersey also needs an anti-trans-species-predator law,
similar to the recently introduced law in North Carolina. When pressed about the fact that there
were no trans-species persons present at the time, Rummey replied, “We aren’t
going to let the liberal press spin this one. The fact is that this happened because
of the threat that so-called ‘trans’ people,” using his fingers to make air
quotes, “pose to the citizenry at large.”
It
was then pointed out that neither Christie nor Wildstein would have been
affected if this law were already in effect. Wildstein is already being charged
under existing law. Christie,
for his part, was either unconscious victim for the entire incident or was
merely an intoxicated co-conspirator who passed out once he was calmed down by
officers. Also, barring a DNA test proving trans-species status, neither
person in the incident is trans-species. When
asked how the anti-trans-species law would have prevented this, Rummey stated:
“Reports that say that
certain predators don’t exist are always interesting to me, because as we know,
there are known known predators; there are predators we know we know. We also know there are known unknown
predators; that is to say we know there are some predators we do not know
about. But there are also
unknown unknown predators – the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the
history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that
tend to be the difficult ones.”[iii]
With
that Mr. Rummey abruptly ended the press conference, saying that he needed to
meet with State legislators concerning this new legislation on behalf of the
governor, who is recuperating at a local P.F. Chang’s.
Editor’s
note: Please remember that this is purely satire that pokes fun at bigotry.
This piece was inspired by my fellow Thomas M Cooley Law School graduate,
Chris Higgins. During a
conversation he made one of his typically hilarious remarks, and, from that
amazing idea, this piece rolled out.
[ii] Most of this is a direct quote from here:
http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2016/01/christies_view_of_bridgegate_this_was_not_a_murder.html
http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2016/01/christies_view_of_bridgegate_this_was_not_a_murder.html
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