Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Jersey Devil Banned from New Jersey Bathrooms

New Jersey Follows Suit with Law Banning Tran-Species-People

Trenton, New Jersey
By Jeramee Sikorski

Following a strange arrest last Saturday night at a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, New Jersey legislators are considering a bathroom bill similar to the one recently introduced by North Carolina.

Strange 911 Calls

New Jersey State Troopers responded to several 911 calls of a Jersey Devil sighting in the men’s restroom.  911 operators initially dismissed the sighting of the fantastic ManBearPig, which was first reported on by the South Park TV show, but then dispatched officers when they heard animalistic groans come through a caller’s cell phone.  “We had conflicting reports,” said one operator, with “some saying it was ManBearPig, and others saying it was the Jersey Devil.” 

The Jersey Devil, like ManBearPig, is a legendary creature.  It is variously described as having features of a kangaroo, a goat, a bat, and a horse; descriptions often include clawed hands, cloven hooves and a forked tail.  Legends claim that it has a horrendous, blood-curdling scream[i].

 Officers Bar and Brady were first to respond at the scene.  “When we got out of the patrol car, there was a crowd of people standing about 50 feet from the restroom.  We heard some pretty strange sounds when we got to the front of the crowd,” Officer Bar reported.

“It sounded like a bear and pig were having some kind of a fight in there,” Officer Brady stated, “So, I went back to the patrol car to get our tactical gear while officer Barr did crowd control.”  “We went in expecting to have to put down a couple rabid animals,” he continued, “but what we actually encountered . . .  I have never seen anything like it in 16 years on the force,” who was still clearly in shock.

Confronting the Devil

“Everyone was amazed and couldn’t look away,” said officer Barr.  “I kept saying, ‘Move along people, there’s nothing to see here,’” he added, “but people just stood there with their mouths wide open like a bunch of lookey-Lou’s.”

“It looked like some kind of orange gorilla wearing suit pants was attacking a guy who had gotten caught with his pants down,” added Brady, “but then he turned around and things got really strange.”  “I called out, ‘Governor Christie?’” said the officer, “and he turned and snorted like a pig back at me.”  “We still weren’t sure what we were dealing with, but I switched to my tazer at that point,” he added, “just in case it really was the governor.”

“The man we thought was the victim ran and locked himself into a stall as the governor turned around,” said officer Bar, and that “At first, I thought he sounded like a bear snarling.”  “In reality, we now know that the governor was talking in his sleep,” said the officer, “He kept repeating ‘all you can eat’ over and over.”  “After that, we were able to de-escalate the governor,” he continued, “by promising to take him to Denny’s.” 
Unmasking the Devil

Photo of the Jersey Devil Taken by a Witness

The governor didn’t go to Denny’s that night, though.  As soon as the officers had calmed him down, he walked out of the restroom and went to sleep on the grass.  Still unsure of what they were dealing with, the officers began to dismantle what they said was a bizarre outfit.  As the officer’s began to investigate, they discovered that it really was the governor, albeit that he was wearing two separate wigs.  Both are part of the Melania Trump signature clothing line, and produced by Trump Industries overseas in China.  The first wig was modeled to look like Melania Trump’s hair.  The second hairpiece was modeled to look like the Donald’s.  It seems that it was the second wig that really caused the confusion.

“The blonde wig was a different color than Governor Christie’s opulent back hair, which showed through in several places,” said Officer Brady, “and when you add the orangutan orange Donald wig on top, it creates three starkly different hair types, which caused citizens to think there might really be a trans-species-person in the restroom.” 

“The governor didn’t put the Donald hairpiece on properly,” added Officer Bar, saying that “the piece needs to be fastened close to the nape of the neck and combed forward for the proper affect.  This one was placed on the top of the other wig, so the hair came down so low that it covered the governor’s face, which then added even more confusion to the situation.”

By then, several other officers were on scene.  EMS was also on scene, and the governor was taken to a local hospital.  He was later diagnosed as having had an adverse reaction to Ambien after taking the medicine with a few glasses of wine to help him sleep.  Doctors say the stress of his failed presidential campaign, and then being treated like a stray dog by the Donald when he endorsed him, have been stressful for the governor.  “He likely took the medication so that he could get a good night’s sleep and wake up his old, cheery self,” said the doctor.

The other citizen in the restroom was later identified to be David Wildstein, the second highest-ranking Christie political appointee at the Port Authority at the time of the Bridgegate scandal[ii] He pleaded guilty in Jan. 2015 to two counts of conspiracy, and was out on bail awaiting sentencing.  He is facing 21 to 27 months in federal prison for those crimes. 

Officers arrested Wildstein on suspicion of engaging in prostitution, bribery, and “the infamous, detestable, and abominable crime against nature” with an unconscious person.  Officers Bar and Brady now believe that Wildstein was receiving fellatio from the unconscious governor.  “We can’t figure out how Christie would have known to meet Wildstein at that time in some random highway rest stop in his unconscious state,” said officer Bar, “but there’s no doubt that the governor was completely unconscious on the lawn.  Just ask any of the witnesses.”

File:Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie at FITN in Nashua, NH by Michael Vadon 06.jpg
Governor Christie during his Presidential Campaingn
Note the obvious similarity to ManBearPig

 New Anti-Trans-Species Law

At a press conference, Donald Rummey, a Christie aide, was later quoted as saying that this proves New Jersey also needs an anti-trans-species-predator law, similar to the recently introduced law in North Carolina.  When pressed about the fact that there were no trans-species persons present at the time, Rummey replied, “We aren’t going to let the liberal press spin this one.  The fact is that this happened because of the threat that so-called ‘trans’ people,” using his fingers to make air quotes, “pose to the citizenry at large.”

It was then pointed out that neither Christie nor Wildstein would have been affected if this law were already in effect.  Wildstein is already being charged under existing law.  Christie, for his part, was either unconscious victim for the entire incident or was merely an intoxicated co-conspirator who passed out once he was calmed down by officers.  Also, barring a DNA test proving trans-species status, neither person in the incident is trans-species.  When asked how the anti-trans-species law would have prevented this, Rummey stated:

“Reports that say that certain predators don’t exist are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known known predators; there are predators we know we know.  We also know there are known unknown predators; that is to say we know there are some predators we do not know about.  But there are also unknown unknown predators – the ones we don't know we don't know.  And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones.”[iii]

With that Mr. Rummey abruptly ended the press conference, saying that he needed to meet with State legislators concerning this new legislation on behalf of the governor, who is recuperating at a local P.F. Chang’s.

Editor’s note: Please remember that this is purely satire that pokes fun at bigotry.  This piece was inspired by my fellow Thomas M Cooley Law School graduate, Chris Higgins.  During a conversation he made one of his typically hilarious remarks, and, from that amazing idea, this piece rolled out.

[iii] (Yep, that’s a Rumsfeld ‘quote’.)

Photo Credits:,_NH_by_Michael_Vadon_06.jpg 

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